Road Trip 3

“Shoot the Hostage!!”

Previously: Machete’ and Zaran left the Champions and are attempting to reform themselves by starting their own super team in Chicago. So far they’ve managed to pick up the three Chimpanzee Commandos as hitchhikers outside of Phoenix and accidentally got them to join their new group. Unfortunately, the Orange Bull has decided he’ll be there new arch-villain.

Just outside Oklahoma City:

“I say we name our team the MZ’s and the Chimps!” Machete’ says. He continues to pet their three headed puppy, Rapier. “It takes into account all the parts of our new group.” Machete’ sweeps his right hand around the car to point at the three oversized chimpanzees in the back seat and Zaran.

“Then why not ZM and the Monkeys?” Zaran smiles. “We all know my name should…”

“We’re not monkeys!!! We’re chimpanzees!!” Bongo yells.

“Yeah! You stinkin’ German swine!” Bonzo, Jr. starts fidgeting in the back seat.

“I’m not German,” Zaran says.

“Yes you are.” Cheetah, Jr. stares at Zaran.

“Guys, he’s not German and I’m not Chinese,” Machete’ jokes.

“Are you Irish? With a name like Zaran you sound Irish.” Bongo stares at Zaran’s features. “Damn you look German though.”

Zaran starts to laugh. “I don’t look anything like a German or an Irishman.”

“Well you have no sense of humor like a German,” Bongo jokes. Machete’ high fives Bongo.

When the laughing dies down, Machete’ asks Zaran, “What word would you use to describe Tabitha Everrett?”

Zaran turns to Machete’, “You still writing that letter to Cassie?”

“Yep.”

“I’d use the words Skank-Ho!”

“I can’t use that kind of language. Her father hates us enough as it is.” Machete’ pauses. “Well at least he used to hate us. I think it would only be right to respect his wishes now that he’s gone.”^*

*See current issues of Champions.

“Good point.” Zaran strokes his chin while trying to think of a clean way to describe little Miss Everrett.

Before Zaran can mention a word, Cheetah, Jr. chimes in, “How about fetid or funky?”

“Hey not bad. Where’d you come up with that?”

Cheetah, Jr. pulls out a dictionary from his weapons pack. “I always carry around one of these.”

“But you didn’t have it out when you mentioned those words?” Machete’ says.

“Well I don’t need to pull it out, I’ve been reading it regularly at night.”

“You’re reading a dictionary?”

“I have to learn things somehow.”

Machete’ turns around in his seat and looks Cheetah, Jr. right in the face. “I’m going to buy you a real book.”

“No smut, Machete’,” Zaran growls.

The three chimpanzees scowl at Zaran and say, “Ok, mom!”

“Well that would help them learn some things, but I was going to give them a good book. I’ll have to look through the novels at our next stop.” Machete’ sits down thinking.

“Bongo, why do you guys even need a dictionary?” Zaran glances back at the gigantic simians.

“Villains need good dialogue. You can’t be very impressive or scary with bad grammar.”

“Good point, but you’re no longer villains, so do you still need the dictionary?” Zaran asks.

“Sure do! It may be even more important now! I mean we have to be able to understand the villains we fight, right?” Bongo looks to the other chimps for support and they both nod their heads.

Bonzo, Jr. says, “We don’t want to be befuddled by some horrid blackguard.”

“Oooh, that was good. You’re right, getting bedazzled by some scamp isn’t the way to go about fighting crime.” Zaran nods.

“Don’t forget part of any villains plan is to bewilder and discombobulate the opposition.” Cheetah, Jr. says. Everyone in the car nods their head.

“Yeah, getting bumfuzzled could lead to a snafu in combat,” Bongo says.

“Is bumfuzzled a word?” Machete’ asks.

“I think so.” Bongo turns to Cheetah, Jr., “Can you look that up?”

“Sure can. Just let me look up snafu.”

“You don’t know the word snafu, but you know bewilder and discombobulate?” Machete’ continues to pet the dog in his lap as he turns to give Cheetah, Jr. a strange look.

“Give me a break, I’m only up to H in this thing.” Cheetah, Jr. continues to turn the pages. “I can’t find snafu. How do you spell it… Oh wait! There is it. Who knew it ended in a U and not OO.”

He reads the definition and passes the book to the other chimps and then Bongo looks for Bumfuzzle. “Guys, I can’t find bumfuzzle in the dictionary, but it’s in the thesaurus under confuse. Now I’m bewildered, befuddled, and bumfuzzled, if that’s a real word.”

“So can that dictionary help us find a name for our group?” Zaran asks.

“Maybe we should call our team the Bumfuzzlers!” Machete’ jokes. “That way we’d confuse the bad guys before they could confuse us.”

“You know, that isn’t such a bad idea.” Zaran says while stroking his chin. “Not bad at all.”

“I was kidding!! Kidding!!”

The car is quiet for a while as the car enters Oklahoma City before Machete’ finally speaks up, “I finished the letter to Cassie. Let’s stop somewhere soon so I can mail it.

“She’ll get a kick out of us teaming up with these monkeys.” Zaran starts to laugh.

“We’re not monkeys!!!” Cheetah, Jr. growls.

“Well if I’m German, you’re monkeys, monkey!” Zaran chuckles to himself as he pulls the car into a parking spot.

People run to their cars as they see the cybernetically enhanced, 12 foot chimpanzees get out of the convertible (hey, what else would hold them?). “Well I’m heading to the mailbox and the bookstore. Anyone want to come with me?” Machete’ starts to walk to the mailbox. No one is following him. “Guys?”

“Look, we just took a pop quiz, I’m not sure any of us could handle looking at books right now. Especially after that enchanting conversation in the car,” Cheetah, Jr. says. The other chimps nod.

“Fine.” Machete’ starts to walk off again and then stops and turns around. “Oh, Zaran, I’ll need you to watch Rapier then. I can’t bring him into the store.”

“You were gonna bring these goofballs with you!” Zaran yells.

“Who you callin’ goofballs?” Bonzo, Jr. asks.

“You! All three of you are goofballs.” Zaran says. Then a smile crosses his face. “But loveable goofballs.”

“Gee thanks.” Bonzo, Jr. says. Then his eyes widen in alarm. “You’re not saying you’re attracted to us are you?” The other Chimpinoids widen their eyes in shock.

Zaran chuckles. “You’ll never know, cuties.” Zaran walks past them holding the dog and mutters, “Can’t believe I got stuck with this thing.”

Bongo turns to Cheetah, Jr. “Him being attracted to us would be illegal right?”

“I sure hope so.”

The three chimps follow Zaran into the nearby Café Marvel. "You can't bring that thing in here!!" The waitress is yelling at Zaran.

"Which thing?" Zaran points at the dog with three heads and then at the three over-sized chimpanzees with cybernetic parts behind him.

The woman's face drops. "I…I…. You…can't….bring….them….in…..here. We don't…um….allow pets." The woman swallows hard. She's starting to cringe behind the counter.

"Listen ma'am…" Bongo starts.

"You talk!!!!" The woman seems less afraid now. She pushes her red hair out of her eyes. The color starts to return to her slightly plump face.

"Of course we talk. We're scientifically altered animals." Bongo says.

"Oh you poor dears. They shouldn't allow animal testing. Just look what it did to this poor puppy. And you poor souls must be hurtin' with all them there electronic gizmos they put in ya." She slowly walks over to Cheetah, Jr. and touches the wires and metal coming out of his body. "Does it hurt?"

Cheetah, Jr. shakes his head and says "No."

"You sit over there." She leads the four of them to a table in the corner. As the Chimpanzee Commandos sit down, the waitress pulls Zaran aside. "You're a good man rescuing them from those evil animal testers. This poor puppy."

"Umm…Yeah…I guess." Zaran realizes it wouldn't be worth the hassle to argue with her. So he simply sits down.

"You know what this team needs?" Cheetah, Jr. asks.

"A woman?" Bonzo, Jr. says.

"Not what I was thinking, but damn you're smart. I was thinking we need a battle cry." Both Bongo and Bonzo, Jr. nod in agreement.

"Are you guys nuts? We don't even have a team name yet," Zaran says. "And stop biting my fingers!" He looks down at the puppy in his lap.

"Aren't we the Bumfuzzlers?" Bongo asks.

"I'm not sure yet. I like the name, but Machete' doesn't seem to. I'll have to win him over." The puppy continues to nip at his fingers.

A young woman runs into the Café' Marvel screaming, "Call 911! Call 911! The bank across the street is being robbed!"

"This looks like a job for the Bumfuzzlers!" Bongo jumps to his feet and before the others can even react he's out the door.

"Well we should follow him. I just hope this isn't the Orange Bull." Zaran hands the three-headed puppy to the waitress. "Can you watch him for a little while?" The two remaining chimpanzees and Zaran get up and head for the door.

At the Bank:

"I've got to get out of here." The bank robber runs into the parking lot. Before he can reach his car he hears something land heavily on the ground near him.

"Beware the Bumfuzzlers!" Bongo screams while pounding on his chest.

"Oh no!" Jason Snyder was hoping this would be a simple heist, but now he's face to face with a 12 foot cybernetically enhanced chimpanzee. He looks around quickly for a way out.

Bonzo, Jr. leaps into the parking lot. "Bewilder! Befuddle! Bumfuzzle!"

Cheetah, Jr. is close behind yelling his own battle cry. "Band Together Bumfuzzlers!"

Zaran sighs. "They're getting ahead of themselves and they're getting cocky. I'll have to put a stop to that." He shakes his head and runs right for the small-time crook.

"Stop right there you robotic monkey freaks!" Mr. Snyder yells. "I've got myself a hostage!"

Our heroes turn and see the criminal holding an elderly woman in front of him. A gun is pointed at her head.

Zaran stops dead in his tracks. "Oh no! What do we do now?"

"Shoot the hostage!" Bongo yells. He reaches into his weapons' pack and pulls out a banana shaped gun.

"You can't use the Banana Bread Bazooka! You'll splatter the hostage and the crook!" Cheetah, Jr. stands in front of Bongo.

"Yeah, use the Banana Muffin Blaster!" Bonzo, Jr. starts to reach into his pack to grab his weapon of choice.

"You can't use that one either. You'll melt both of them." Cheetah, Jr. tries to stand in front of both of his teammates.

"I'm not going to hit them dead-on. I'll only melt an arm and maybe part of a leg."

"Look only one limb is acceptable! If you can't guarantee that the hostage comes out with 3 limbs intact, then you can't shoot the hostage! Pick a smaller gun!" Cheetah, Jr. says.

"The hostage is simply collateral damage, Cheetah." Bongo tries to push his chimp buddy out of the way.

"Look, if we're going to be good guys, we have to follow the good guys' rules! You can only shoot off one limb!" Cheetah, Jr. yells.

"That's not a rule! You're making this up!"

"Ok, so maybe I am, but Keanu Reeves was only going to blow a hole in the hostage, not melt off limbs or blow them up."

"Good point." Bonzo, Jr. shrugs. "What would Keanu do? What would he do?"

"He'd shoot the friggin' hostage! Now get out of my way! I'll shoot the two of them with the Banana Splitter Ray! That should only rip a quarter size hole in each of them." Bongo steps forward and raises his gun.

"Ok! Shoot away!" Cheetah, Jr. steps aside, nodding his head up and down. "That's what Keanu would do. That's what he'd do."

Before Bongo can fire. "Um..guys…I give up." Snyder walks over to Zaran. "Can you make a citizen's arrest and keep me away from those nutjobs?"

"Sure. Lay down here until the cops get here. I'll keep them from you."

"Hey! You can't make the arrest! You're not even in costume! This won't look good on TV."

Machete' runs over and sees Snyder lying on the ground. "Just great! I miss all of the action! Thanks for coming to get me guys!"

"It isn't like we had time. You can't just run off when there's trouble. Heck, Zaran there didn't even have time to change into costume." Bonzo, Jr. puts his weapon back into its case.

After the police remove our inept bank robber, Zaran turns to Bongo. "That was a great idea. You scared that guy into thinking you were actually going to shoot. Good work."

Zaran walks away with Machete' to get the puppy.

"Huh?" Bongo turns to the other chimps. "Any idea what that was about?"

"Nope. But you guys have to remember Keanu wouldn't kill the bad guys. If you're going to shoot the hostage, it has to be with a thinner shot weapon. Keanu wouldn't use a bazooka or a melting ray. Bongo was right at the end, we'll need to use the Banana Splitter Ray next time." Cheetah, Jr. says. "We're still learning this stuff. At least we know what to use from now on in a hostage situation."

Bongo and Bonzo, Jr. nod in agreement.

Bongo turns to Cheetah, Jr., "I think we should adopt the hostage can only lose one limb rule." All three chimpanzees nod in agreement.

Back to the Café:

Machete' and Zaran have picked up Rapier and are heading back towards the car. "You know we can't call our team the Bumfuzzlers." Machete' continues to pet the little puppy.

"Why not?"

Machete' stops walking and turns towards Zaran. "If we went to England, that name would be an embarrassing name to have."

"Oooh. Good point." Zaran nods. "How about the Legends?"

"Nah. Too uppity."

Next Issue: The chimps get a visit from the feds. Machete' and Zaran continue to try to find a name for the new group. Be here next time, as these guys get closer to Chicago.

Rest Area:

This letter came from Jason Trenner (I think). It wasn't signed, but that was the name on the e-mail.

Feels like the "New" Champions fill-in again..hopefully this bunch won't get
their butts kicked..or with such ease this time. Then again with Orange Bull
as their arch nemisis..

1) Is there any chance that Frogman could join this bunch?
2) Can you please have Mimic join this bunch? He's the most powerful third
rate hero(or the X-Woman that's also using the name)
3)Could Reaper join this group?
4) Could the group fight the Reanimator or the Ringmaster(or any member of
the Circus of Crime)?

I doubt you'll be seeing Frogman, Mimic or X-Woman in this group. Mainly because I don't know the characters well enough. However, I do like the idea of the Ringmaster showing up. Hmmmm…..

This second letter is from Peter Lin.

Hey Baloo,

I just read Road Trip #2... and I've got to say that
you've set the standard for humor in a series. One
day, I envision a whole new branch dedicated to humor,
and you'll be a god there.

The chimpanzees were ripping my sides up. That crack
about shooting the hostage was hilarious and so, so,
expected! =)

It's always nice to see the thoughts and emotions of
two-bit villians who plan to reform. It's even better
to see them reform in such a hilarious way. The Orange
Bull as their arch-enemy? Good move. Nothing rubs it
in like having a bit-sized arch-enemy.

Keep it up, Baloo... you've got another fan!

Peter Lin

Thank you, Peter. It's always nice to hear that I've got another fan. I'm glad you liked the Orange Bull part. I came up with that while I was writing the issue. Of course, most of the issue was written on the fly. My plot was to have the Chimps take a pop quiz in a diner. That was the whole plot. Maybe I should print my proposal for this series in the next issue. You won't believe that it got accepted. Oh, btw Peter Lin writes Dragons of the East for the Marvel Knights Branch. Check it out.

The last letter is from Russ Lee, writer of Champions.

Mark,

Road Trip #2 was freakin' hilarious.  I wasn't sure you could reach the
heights of #1 (especially considering I was actually struck dumb with
laughter when Police Chief Everett announced that Tabitha was his sister),
but you did it.  A pop quiz, a hilarious running joke, and three talking
chimpanzees.  How can you get better than that?

I'm really looking forward to finding out what happens to these guys as they
go along, what other strays they pick up, etc.  All in all, it's killer to
see you working on Champions characters again, and issue #3 can't come fast
enough.

Russ

P.S. We need to get somebody on the list who's into customizing action
figures to create an Orange Bull figure… how cool would that be?

Thanks Russ. I'd love to see a figure of the Orange Bull. Of course, this is probably a trick to get me to actually describe one of the characters in my stories. Ya tricky bumfuzzler!

Mark Beaulieu

Ulysses and Pandora Productions