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Issue Four
"Angel and the Ape -- Part Four: Damn, Dirty Apes..."
By Travis Hiltz
Sam Simeon had gone from living in a hidden city of talking apes in Africa to living in New York, so it took a lot to shake him up.
Finding out that several guys he went to school with were now attempting to take over the city, while hiding out in a zoo, came close.
Though not having his morning cup of coffee was also eroding his coping skills.
"Ook, Aa-aah," Sam demanded, pointing at his mouth.
"Oh, that," The dark ape replied, smirking arrogantly . "A nueron-inhibitor, implanted in your throat. Can't have you yelling for help."
"Grrr, ook, oop. Ack. Rrr-gah," Sam muttered, crossing his arms.
"Actually, we have a very good chance of 'getting away with it', once we finish re-building the evolutionary accelerator," Sam's captor announced triumphantly.
"The humans won't know what hit them."
"Opp, bah," Sam said rolling his eyes.
"Yes, your Grandfather's glorious plan to devolve the entire population of New York into apes failed. Mostly due to your, and that human female's, interference. Which is why we have altered the plan."
"Um...ook?"
"You see, Sam, a city full of apes is a touch inconspicuous, but several apes with psychic abilities enhanced by, say, several million years of induced evolution can easily, and quietly, seize power without much notice."
"Ga-rump, oop, rrr,"
"You kiss your mother with that mouth?" A chubby silver back asked.
"When do we move to the final stage?" The brown ape asked. "The thrill of sleeping on straw is starting to fade."
"Tonight. Our human agent is making final preparations and now that we have Sam..."
Sam gave a little shudder as he contemplated his place in the renegade apes 'grand scheme.'
"Miss O' Day, I'm back!" Janet hollered as she entered the offices of O' Day and Simeon Investigations.
Angel glanced up from her desk, then did a double take.
Her on again, off again receptionist was wearing baggy orange shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, a panama hat, flip-flops and sunglasses. A camera was slung around her neck.
"Uh-huh," Angel said. "Nice...um...."
"You said look touristy. I got the pictures you wanted." Janet said as she sat down and started spreading a dozen photos across Angel's desk. "You know what was really weird?"
"Besides you having that ensemble in your closet?" Angel asked.
"Check this out," She passed a photo over to her employer. "Maybe I've been living in New York too long, but doesn't that monkey remind you of Mr. Simeon? I thought that was funny, had to get a quick picture. Anyway, here are some crowd shots and these are some of the zoo staff and then I just took some random shots as I wandered. Figured it would help my 'cover' and maybe I'd get something helpful."
Angel, oblivious to Janet's monologue on her detecting skills, peered at the photo of the monkey house.
"Oh, Sam," she muttered under her breath, slipping the photo into her pocket, then taking a deep breath.
"Okay, let me see," Angel said, flipping through the pictures. She laid them out on her desk to get an idea of the zoo's layout. "Who's the guy with the mustache. Did he look suspicious?"
"No, just cute," Janet said, picking out a photo. "And check this photo. No wedding ring."
"You can't just go to bars like everybody else," Angel said, then picked up another photo.
" I'll be damned."
She flipped through her missing partner's notes on the case, glancing back and forth from the scribbled notes to the pictures. "Sam was right. We've got him!"
'Who's that guy?" Janet asked.
"He's the final piece to the puzzle," Angel said, smiling. "Hand me the phone."
Apparently, Tuesday was a popular day to visit the zoo, Angel thought as she walked around surveying the crowd.
She'd placed a call to her prime suspect, then passed a message to Bobo, before leaving the office.
Angel walked, eyes alert, hands in her jacket pockets. She paused, glancing over at the penguin pool. Quite a good sized crowd was crammed up to the fence to watch as the cubby birds swam and waddled about.
"Bingo," She muttered, noticing the lone figure sitting on the bench by the pool.
A group of excited kids and their frazzled looking parents went by, then a college aged girl and her dog. Angel made her move.
"Hi," she said, plopping down on the bench. "Did I miss feeding time?"
"Uh...?" Jeremy Butler responded, flinching slightly.
"Though, maybe we'd have more fun over at the...gorilla cage." Angel suggested.
"I...um...sorry, Miss O' Day but I don't understand." Jeremy muttered, glancing around.
"That's probably because you are the lamest criminal mastermind I've seen in a long time, Jeremy," Angel told him. "Now, I'd love to do the clever PI/ villain banter bit, but I'm kind of concerned about my partner, and I'm starting to run out of reasons not to shoot you. So let's take a walk, okay?"
She let her coat fall open so that her gun was visible.
Jeremy frowned then stood up.
"This is pointless," He said as they walked along. Angel had hooked her arm through his and let Jeremy feel a gun barrel poking him in the side.
"Really?" Angel replied. "I've found my missing partner, solved a murder/ robbery and I should be able to wrap it all up in time to get home and catch 'V.I. Warshowski' on cable. Seems pretty pointful, actually."
"Yes, you would think that," Jeremy sneered, his nervous manner gone, now that he'd been found out. "Unfortunately, you've forgotten that you still have to free your 'partner' from 'my' partners, and get out of here alive. If you manage that, you still have to tell your story to Techno-Babel and the police. I'm sure that with your current standing with Lt. Foglio, 'talking apes trying to conquer New York' will sound 'very' convincing."
"Now you're starting to sound like a villain," Angel said, giving him a jab with her gun. "You forgot the part where I'm a moody woman who has a tendency to shoot first and then feel bad about whatever poor jerk I may have just accidentally perforated later."
Jeremy's sneer faltered. She smiled back.
The ape house, a large square building with three concrete walls and one of safety glass, stood behind a waist high fence to keep the crowd back.
Angel had carefully worked out her game plan after Sam's notes had pointed her to Jeremy Butler as the bad guy.
Lure him to the zoo, play it cool and quiet while she steered him over to the ape house, then sneak Sam out.
That plan fell apart the minute she saw Sam.
He was huddled in the corner, apart from the other apes, slumped against the glass, his watery, red rimmed eyes staring out glassily at the crowd.
"Sam," Angel breathed.
As her eyes began to tear up, she improvised 'plan B'.
She drew out both her guns and after clubbing Jeremy in the back of the head with one, fired at the safety glass.
After the first two shots the crowd was polite enough to move out of her way.
Now, while this glass was designed to withstand the attack of a full grown male gorilla who has become enraged after having his picture taken one too many times, it was no match for repeated gunfire. Which is too be expected, as few gorillas own firearms.
The glass became a mass of spider web cracks, and one well placed kick gave Angel a direct route to her partner.
Even covered with dirt and bits of glass, Sam now appeared more alert. He stared at the broken window, then at the woman, with two smoking pistols, as she made her way through the debris. His simian features formed into a warm smile.
"Hey partner," Angel said, tearfully.
She turned as the three angry apes strode forward and pointed her guns at them. They skidded to a halt.
"No monkey business," She muttered. "I need to talk to my friend for a second."
"Take your time," The brown ape replied, anxiously peering at the pistols.
"Thanks, I will," Angel said, after doing a slight double take at the monkey's words. She kept one pistol trained on the apes as she turned back to Sam. " \Of course, it had to be evil, talking monkeys. You okay?"
"Ook, eep," He said, getting to his feet.
"...Sam?" Angel muttered in confusion. "I don't...what's going on?" She turned to face the trio of apes. "What did you do to him!?"
The two apes on the sides, pointed at the ape in the middle and began to nervously back away.
"Uh..." Was all the ape could think to say, as Angel's finger tightened on the trigger.
"Ah-ah, gu-rump," Sam said, gently grasping his partner by the shoulder.
"Sam, what ...?"
"Oop," Sam grunted, pointing at himself then making the O.K. sign with his hand.
"Really?"
He shrugged, then pointed at his mouth.
"You just can't talk," Angel translated, then turned back to the head ape. "Is it permanent?"
"Oh no. Nope. Very temporary," He babbled, again peering fearfully at Angel's gun. "We took very good care of him, really."
"Otherwise, we couldn't have used him as a physic battery to power the evolutionary accelerator," The brown ape added helpfully. "Damn, I don't think I was supposed to mention that part."
The other two apes rolled their eyes.
"Good, so no Sam, no asinine scheme to conquer the world," Angel said. "Look, Sam we need to get you out of here and turn Jeremy over to the cops before...."
"Ook?" Sam asked.
"If you expect me to believe 'ook' means ' Jeremy?', then..."
"The human agent is here?" The head ape asked.
"Yeah," the chubby one added, "Isn't he supposed to be at the warehouse setting up the...oops, almost did it again."
Everybody glared at him this time. Even Sam and Angel.
"What're you up to?" Angel asked the apes. "You trying to say he didn't contact you after getting my call?"
"No idea," the ape replied, his hands up in a placating gesture. "We didn't even know he was here till now. This all came as a surprise to us."
"Come on," the silver back added. "You really think we had a backup plan in case a crazed homo-sapien shot up our hiding place? No...um...offense."
"Great," Angel muttered. "Now what?"
"Ack, oop,"
"Yeah, easy for you to say," Angel said, then glanced to where Sam was pointing. The crowd of tourists was being replaced by a crowd of Zoo employees, but there was a noticable lack of Jeremy. "Well, we need a bit more info and since I doubt zoo security is going to be overly thrilled with me...," She turned back towards the trio of apes.
"Um..., before you do anything hasty...," The head ape mumbled anxiously.
"Hey!" the silver back shouted, pointing behind Sam and Angel. "What in the name of Greystroke is that !"
"What?" Angel said, glancing over her shoulder then back to the apes. "I don't see..." The three apes were already fleeing through the doorway that lead into the interior of the ape house. "I can't believe I fell for that."
"Eek, grunt!" Sam called, racing after them.
"Wait up!' Angel hollered.
The interior room was also scattered with straw. There was a heavy, metal door at the far end. The trio of apes flung it open and raced down a corridor and past a very surprised zoo attendant.
"What the Hell...?" He exclaimed, successfully dodging the apes only to get knocked down by Angel and Sam.
The corridor formed an L. Sam grabbed Angel as she was about to dash around the corner.
"Ook. Ee-ah, grrr."
"This is getting really annoying," Angel replied. "I have no idea what you're saying, Sam. Hold on." She peeked around the corner, then jogged down the corridor. "Talk while we run. Zoo security is not going to like us. We need to figure out where all the bad guys are running to. That's got to be where the...death ray...thingee... is."
Sam nodded.
The corridor came to a four way intersection.
"Now where?" Angel muttered.
Sam strolled around, sniffing the air, then pointed to the left branch.
"Show off," She said jogging after him. They raced down the corridor, through the doorway at the end and then had to skid to a halt to avoid colliding with an elephant.
"Whoa," Angel muttered, pressing up against the wall to let it amble by.
Sam nodded in vigorous agreement, then tippy-toed around the massive animal. They were in a large enclosure, occupied by three rather annoyed looking elephants.
"I can't wait to write up this case," Angel said, following her partner. "Oh ick, I don't even want to think about what I just stepped in. I have ruined more shoes on this case."
Sam glared over his shoulder at her and pointed at his bare feet.
"Yes, you win the 'who is suffering more' contest, but these were my fave pumps."
Sam leaned down and peered between one of the elephants legs. He could make out three fleeing forms down at the far end of the enclosure.
He grunted to Angel, then pointed out the quickest route to their quarry.
"I will let them conquer New York before I crawl under an elephant in my best jeans," She told him. "So, come up with another plan."
The partners locked gazes for a moment , then Sam sighed and shrugged.
"Yeah, I thought so," Angel said. "I love you Sam, but...gaggh!"
Sam dove at Angel, scooped her up, and threw her over his shoulder as he made a running leap at the nearest elephant.
"Sam!" Angel yelled as they landed on the elephants back and Sam prepared to leap to the next one. "Okay, just let me off here and I'll be happy to climb under as many elephants as...oh, shiiiiii...!"
Sam leapt from elephant to elephant, concentrating on the door the apes had gone through. Which wasn't an easy task as elephants tend to protest loudly when you stomp on their backs. Once they were out, he put Angel down, and peered around intently.
"If you ever do that again..." She muttered, brushing herself off, then noticed Sam's expression. "I know, but if we ever do have to deal with elephants on another case..."
Sam grabbed her arm and headed down another concrete hallway.
They found another hastily flung-open door and raced into a fenced in area. Some kind of exercise area for the animals, Angel guessed as she peered around and hastily reloaded her guns.
Sam jogged over to the far concrete wall, he raced back to Angel, clutching a bit of coarse animal hair.
"So, they went over the wall. Probably figure the jig is up and their best bet is to beat Jeremy to the ...'thing-ey'. Boost me up," Angel tucked her guns into her jacket and used Sam as a step ladder to the top of the wall. Just in time to see the three apes pile into a familiar looking maroon toyota and drive off.
"Damn," Angel breathed. This wall was at the opposite end of the zoo from where Janet was parked, waiting for her.
"Urmph?" Sam grunted, climbing up next to his partner.
"Okay, I've got an idea about getting us out of here. Trust me?"
Sam gave her his best 'Do I have a choice?' face.
Meanwhile, in a cab parked at the curb...
"Christ, I'm bored," The driver muttered. "Hour and a half without a fare. If something doesn't happen soon, I'm gonna..."
"Help, help!" A woman yelled. "Escaped gorilla! Run for your lives!"
A blonde in a jacket and jeans came racing out the zoo's back gate, followed closely by a snarling ape.
"Grrr! Ook, Ook!"
"Yipes!" The cabbie exclaimed, as the blonde dove into his cab.
"Quick!" She snapped. "Drive!"
He took off so fast, that he didn't even notice that the ape had joined her.
He glanced in the mirror, saw his second passenger and nearly ran into a telephone pole.
"Gahhhh!" He said.
"Just relax and drive," The blonde said, poking him in the shoulder with a gun.
"Lady, my definition of relax does not involve guns and wild animals,"
"Then how about if I mention the generous tip I'm going to give you?"
"My definition of relax does include cash."
"Good. Take us to the financial district."
"You got it. The monkey is housebroken, right?"
"Ook, grrrr."
"Just asking."
Angel leaned back in the seat and sighed. Then glanced over at her partner.
"Now, what's the problem?"
"Oop, ook, ur-ump."
"Look Sam, I don't mean to be insensitive, because I know this must be pretty horrible for you, but I can't understand a goddamn word you're saying and it's getting really irritating."
Sam took a deep breathe, closed his eyes and reached out so the fingers of his right hand touched Angel's temple.
"What...?" She felt like there was a bug zapper in her head and a flock of moths had just flown into it.
"Oop, ack...and if we don't figure out where they went..," Sam said.
"Sam, you talked! You're fixed!"
"Uh, sort of," Sam said, wincing at Angel's choice of words. "Read my lips."
"What are you...?" Angel stopped as she noticed that Sam's lip movements didn't match his words. It was like watching a badly dubbed foreign movie.
"I made a link between the language centers of your brain and mine," Sam explained. "You can hear me talk, the rest of the world hears 'ook'. So, we are at a real disadvantage against those guys. We need to..."
"Wait, no exposition for a minute. You okay? Really, no gallant, protect Angel's feelings crap."
"Not really. I don't know if I can reverse what Rupert and the others did to me..."
"Rupert?"
"We went to school together. Anyway, I'm sure Bobo can recommend a therapist when this is all over. Thanks for coming after me. How'd you figure all this out?"
"Is the monkey okay?" The cab driver asked. "He's doing an awful lot of 'ook'ing. If he chews up the upholstery..."
"Shut up, I'm talking to my friend here," Angel snapped, then turned back to her partner. "Mostly, it was a combination of brilliant deductive reasoning and dumb luck. You gave me the final clue."
"Me?"
"Yeah, you scribbled down in your notebook, 'the Butler did it.' That was the first falling domino that put me on Jeremy's trail."
"That was a joke. That line shows up in cheap mystery novels."
"Well, this time it was the comedy of truth."
"What now?" Sam, said. "We seem to have two sets of bad guys, both scrambling to get to the evolutionary accelerator first."
"Only problem is," Angel muttered, "where are they going?"
"Only problem? You can say that, you're the one wearing pants and still speaking English," Sam muttered. "Plus, it's been nearly 24 hours since I last had a cup of coffee."
"You're right, sorry," Angel said. "Okay, find you a pair of pants, then we can save the city, okay?"
"That's reasonable," Sam replied. "We need to get out of here before the police or Zoo security catch up with us. Then we can track down Jeremy and the apes. The office and both our apartments are probably out."
"I'm working on it," Angel muttered, leaning over to the driver. "Got it, hey buddy, here's where we need to go..."
"This is illegal," Sam muttered as he watched Angel pick the lock.
"Russell said, 'stop by anytime'," Angel replied.
"When he made that offer, did he also say 'especially if you are possibly wanted by the police and chasing after a group of super intelligent apes bent on conquering the world'?"
"No, but I'm sure he meant to. Got it." She stood up and opened the apartment door, making a 'after you' gesture to Sam.
He peered around, then went in.
"Lovely decor," he muttered. "Done in early bachelor."
"Did we come here to fix our plans and save the day or to pick on my taste in men?" Angel snapped. She closed the door, then went over to a desk and began rummaging through the drawers.
"Right, priorities," Sam replied. "First we save the city, then I'll pick on your boyfriend."
Something in Sam's tone made Angel look up and pause in her rummaging.
"You okay?" She asked, coming and sitting on the couch, next to him. "I know I keep asking, but..."
"Define okay? I've been kidnapped, had my whole life, here in NY, turned upside out, gotten dragged into another of my granddad's demented schemes and I'm now on the run from a bunch of evil apes AND the police..."
"Are you through? All this ranting makes you sound like me."
"Did I mention that the evil apes also stole my favorite coffee mug and my pants?"
"Look," Angel said, putting her arm around Sam. "I know this is not our finest moment, but we can do this. Just hold it together till we beat the bad guys."
"Okay, okay" Sam said. "How exactly are we going to do that?"
"That part is tricky, but not impossible," Angel said, getting up and going back to the desk. "I hope." She took out a phonebook and started leafing through it.
"Maybe I could be more help if I had any idea what happened in the last 24 hours," Sam said. "You seem to have made a lot of headway on this case while I was out of the picture."
"Here's how it looks," Angel said. "Among the little companies that Dayton Industries got, along with Techno, was Drowden Electronics..."
"A subsidy of 'Grodd Unlimited'," Sam muttered.
"Fraid so. While your friends were setting up camp at the Zoo, Jeremy stumbled upon some of your Granddad's toys while the Techno R+D office was doing the merger inventory. Somewhere along the way, he and the monkey boys crossed paths..."
"...but it sounds like that partnership has dissolved after your visit to the zoo. Does Russell the reporter have a coffee maker?"
"Check the kitchen. Yeah, so after Osland was shot..."
"Not by you I hope?" Sam said, pausing in the kitchen doorway.
"It looks like he'd stumbled upon evidence that one of his people were behind the robbery, so Jeremy killed him. He was starting to get desperate, even before I dragged him to the zoo."
"So, we now have two separate bad guys," Sam said from the kitchen. "And they're all scrambling to get to the Evolution Accelerator first."
"Is that what the doo-hickey is called?" Angel said, picking up the phone. She began dialing.
In the kitchen Sam puttered around looking for sugar, cream and spoons.
"Instant coffee and no cream," He muttered. " How much more do I have to endure? Now, if I was an intelligent ape in NY, which I am, where would I hide a large scientific apparatus?"
He leaned against the counter and stirred his coffee while he thought.
"I've got him!" Angel announced coming in. She fished a scrap of paper out of her pants pocket. "Chaykin automotive."
"Are we free associating?" Sam asked.
"Bobo had Jeremy followed, and before coming to the zoo he stopped at...,"
"Wild guess: Chaykin Automotive?"
"Bingo. It's an old garage. The owner is doing time for...questionable leisure time activities, shall we say, and the garage just got bought at auction."
"Okay, so what now?" Sam asked, between sips of coffee.
"Well, I'd love to let all the bad guys get there first in the hopes that they beat each other senseless..."
"But our luck is never that good." Sam pointed out.
"So, we settle for racing cross town and catching everybody red-handed before they blow something up."
"Yeah, but..." Sam said, pointing at himself and his obvious naked monkeyness.
"Not to worry," Angel said. " I have a cunning plan...."
Fifteen minutes later...
The cab pulled up to the curb and two people got out, a tall, attractive blonde and a short, broad shouldered man wrapped in a badly fitting trench coat, sweatpants, rubber boots, a fedora and Groucho glasses.
"Could you wait here?" Angel asked, slipping the cabbie an extra ten. "We'll be just twenty minutes tops. Thanks."
"What now, O master of disguise?" Sam muttered as they strolled along.
"He's a struggling writer," Angel replied. " What kind of wardrobe choices were you expecting? Just follow me. I'll get us into the warehouse...."
"I know, I'm working on my part of the plan."
Two men leaned against the hood of a parked maroon Toyota, trying to look inconspicuous. It seemed to be working Nobody suspected they were super intelligent apes in disguise.
In fact several people had stopped, thinking they were drug dealers.
"I hope we don't have to destroy too much of NY when we seize power," Mongo (who, when he wasn't being mistaken for a drug dealer, was a chubby brown ape) said. "I kind of like it here."
"This stinkhole?" Jules (the grumpy sliver back) replied. "What is worth sparing here? It's everything I despise about humans lumped together."
"You had fun when we saw 'Cats'," Mongo said.
"Yeah, that was okay."
"And that place at the mall that sells those big, soft pretzels."
"You can't get pretzels like that back home," Jules admitted. "But the rest can be razed to the ground, for all I care."
"Even that great shoe store on fifth?" A new voice asked.
"Wha...?" Jules and Mongo said, slowly turning.
"Right, I forgot," Angel said. "Apes don't wear shoes."
She smiled, but the gun pointed at them, didn't put the monkeys in the mood to smile back.
"So, two questions: Do you have a cell phone?"
Mongo nodded and held it up for her to see.
"And 2), since Sam's told me these human disguises are all done with a hologram, where have you been hiding it?"
Elsewhere...
Sam held onto the edge of the garage roof with one hand and wiped the grime off the window with the other. The garage had been cleaned out. There was some equipment pushed against the far wall and a large something under a tarp.
Rupert, not bothering to disguise himself as human any longer, paced about. He gathered up a few tools then pulled the tarp from the object. It stood some twelve feet tall and looked to Sam like someone had duct-taped a dentist's chair to a satellite TV dish then added a computer and a disco ball for good measure.
Rupert began making adjustments and checking switches. It started to hum.
"Oh boy," Sam muttered. "That's going to blow up the first time they throw the switch. Shop class was always Rupe's weak subject. I better...?"
Rupert paused as his cell phone rang. He clicked it on and began talking. Both apes were so intent on the phone conversation that they never noticed Jeremy Butler creeping into the garage until he leapt at Rupert from behind.
"Well, look Mongo, I promise we won't blow up the pretzel shop. Can we ....argggh!"
"Hah!" Jeremy shouted as he wrapped one arm around the ape's throat and struck him across the temple with the butt of his gun. "Thought you'd go ahead without me! Thought you could just leech my talent, my genius, and cast me aside! Well, think again!"
"This guy has some issues," Sam muttered as he fumbled with the window latch.
Back on the street...
"Just keep him talking," Angel said as Mongo waited for Rupert to answer his cell phone.
"Yeah, but...?"
Angel's eyes narrowed and her finger tightened on the trigger.
"Just call me 'Chatty Cathy'," Mongo whimpered.
Mongo babbled for a couple of minutes, when there was a yell of pain from the cell-phone, followed by some maniacal ranting.
"Rupert?" Mongo said.
"Jeremy," Angel muttered and dashed for the garage.
Sam gave up on the latch and plowed through the stubborn window. He landed, rolled and got back to his feet.
The barrel of a pistol was inches away from his nose.
"Hello Sam," Jeremy Butler sneered. "Have a good time at the zoo?"
"I can never get that roll right," Sam muttered, raising his hands above his head. "Hi, Jeremy. I don't suppose you've had some sudden religious conversion and are about to renounce your evil ways?"
"Actually, I thought I'd shoot you through the head, then turn myself into an all-powerful, godlike being."
"Well, it was worth a shot," Sam said. " So...,"
Angel kicked the side door open and dove into the garage, shooting. Which was good, because Sam hadn't been able to come up with anything to say past 'So...'.
Jeremy spun and fired, then pushed Sam aside and dove for the Evolutionary Accelerator.
Angel got to him as Sam was struggling to his feet.
"You okay?" She asked.
"Stop him!" Sam exclaimed. "Rupert already started the warm-up sequence! He could....!"
The building trembled, as Jeremy dove into the accelerator's chair and hit the final switch.
Arcs of electricity shot from the top of the machine and the garage's lights flickered.
Angel and Sam dove for cover, only to be joined by the three renegade apes.
"Humans," Jules muttered. " Not a worth a baboon's..."
"Ahem," Angel growled.
"Uh...present company excluded," Mongo stuttered.
"So, is it supposed to do that?" Angel asked.
"I'm guessing no," Sam replied. "Rupert?"
Rupert shook his head.
"It was calibrated for us," Mongo added. "You know, apes. We kidnapped Sam to use as a psychic battery."
"Meaning....?" Angel asked.
"That if we are lucky, it'll just blow up, taking a whole city block with it," Jules yelled, as the hum of energy grew to a screech and the machine began to glow.
"Do I want to know if we're unlucky?"
"I think," Sam shouted. "We are about to find out!"
The glow was so bright, it hurt to look directly into it and the arcs of static were causing everyone's hair to stand on end. The building shook, raining dust and ceiling plaster on Angel and the quartet of apes.
"Great," Angel muttered. "Frizzy hair. Can today get any worse?"
The glow began to fade and a wave of silence washed over the huddled group, like the silence just before a battle. The accelerator smoked and sparked as a figure rose from the chair.
"Oh boy," Sam breathed.
It was Jeremy Butler, after several million years of artificially induced evolution. He was dusty, his clothing torn and singed, but the air of power rolled off him like a tidal wave.
"It worked!" A voice boomed in all their heads. "At last the power that I so truly deserve!"
Angel clutched her head and staggered, as did all four monkeys. Mongo had a bloody nose and Rupert was developing a facial twitch. The mental energy was too much for their 21st century brains to contain. It was like trying to pour the Pacific ocean into a shot glass.
Jeremy Butler stood up and peered malevolently at Angel and the apes.
He was thinner, paler and his cranium had swelled to contain his immense brain and the vast mental energies therein. His massive bald head glowed with energy. Angel thought he looked like a big, evil light bulb. From the center of his forehead shot a beam of pure force. It slammed into Mongo and Jules and sent them tumbling across the garage.
"You thought you could betray me!" Jeremy shouted in their heads. "Now you shall pay! You shall all....uh...all...!"
While his head was now a vast reservoir of brain power, Jeremy's body was still it's original scrawny self and the huge head was throwing off his balance.
"Whoa." Jeremy said as he stumbled. Sam and Rupert lunged for him. Jeremy shot another mental bolt at the apes, but with his balance messed up it went wide and blew out all the windows on the far wall. Sam caught Jeremy across the knees, and a spinning kick from Angel ruined the would-be world conquerors chance's of getting back upright.
Sam pinned him to the floor, which was unnecessary, as Jeremy knocked himself out when the back of his enormous head hit the concrete. That was when Angel noticed that Rupert hadn't been lunging for Jeremy, but the Evolutionary Accelerator.
"I have had enough of this crap," she muttered, shooting the rogue ape as he reached for the main switch.
Rupert staggered back clutching at his injured hand.
"Let me take care of this," Sam said, standing up. "You find something to tie these guys up with, while Rupe and I have a chat."
"Okay," Angel said. "You all right?"
"Getting there," Sam shrugged.
He stalked over to Rupert, pausing to fish a couple bananas out of a grocery bag on a workbench on his way.
"You may have stopped us now," Rupert muttered. "But in the name of your glorious Grandfather..."
"Oh shut up," Sam said.
He sat on the base of the accelerator and frowned at Rupert while he peeled his banana. "I've had one of the worse days of my life and I'm not going to play nice here. So, this is the deal: You are going to take this thing out of my throat so I can get my life back. We are then going to reverse whatever Jeremy did to himself and then we have to figure out what to do with you fellas."
"Sam, face it," Rupert said. "You are one of us! See how easily your pretend life was stripped away. See how... eeeeep?!"
"Now," Sam interrupted. "I'm not the kind of monkey that generally goes around kneeing people in the groin, but for you Rupe, I'm going to make an exception."
He finished eating a banana, stuck the second one in his coat pocket and grabbed a handful of Rupert's chest hair and pulled him back to his feet.
"You guys showed how easy it is for someone to yank my life out from under me and that is going to cause some sleepless nights, but understand this Rupe: This is my life. I like it here and I want NOTHING to do with my Grandfather, his lackeys or any of his cockamamy schemes. So, we are going to bust up that machine, burn the plans and disks and then deal with you."
"Me!" Rupert squeaked. "Um...ahem...me? What are you going to do, Sam?"
"You're going to leave, Rupert. You and your buddies, go back to the zoo, go back to Africa, go to Hoboken for all I care and never, ever think about including Angel or me in one of these little schemes again, or I'll..."
"What?" Rupert asked, clutching protectively at his groin.
"Let's just say," Sam said, reaching into his coat pocket. "An eternity spent in one of my Grandpa's scientific torture gizmos will be a picnic compared to ten minutes with me and this banana. Do we have an understanding?"
"I hear the Ukraine is lovely this time of year." Rupert replied meekly.
"Good, now let's get to work."
Later...
"Was it necessary to blow up the garage?" Angel asked.
She and Sam were perched on the hood of a police car, drinking cheap coffee in styrofoam cups while they watched the firefighters in action. Before calling the authorities the apes had returned Sam's power of speech and disguise then, having vowed to stay out of the detectives lives, fled the scene. Jules decided he was not the world-conquering type and returned to the zoo. Mongo followed Sam's good example and is now employee of the month at Pretzeilmania. Rupert made for parts unknown.
"I'm not taking any chances that somebody else gets their hands on that stuff." Sam replied.
"Can't argue that," Angel said, between sips. "Hey, look, there's Jeremy and his head's back to its normal shape."
"You'll pay for this!" The thin, hopelessly insane computer programmer turned evil villain snarled at them as two police officers held him back. "I will have my revenge!!!"
"No kidding," Sam said, between sips. "An arch foe all our very own."
"Yep. Too bad he's such a weenie."
They waved to Jeremy as the police dragged him into a waiting ambulance.
"Well, they can't all be Lex Luthor," Sam said philosophically. "Russell going to mind that I trashed this outfit?"
"Naw, I gave you all his ugly clothes that I've been trying to get him to get rid of."
"Sounds like the start of a beautiful relationship to me."
"So, how we doing?"
"Better, but I could use some time off from the PI biz."
"Me too. Oh, I re-hired Janet. Don't you smirk at me, it was an emergency."
"Gotcha. You know, I'm thinking of taking some of our cases and pitching them to my editor."
"A comic book? About us?"
"Mysteries sell. I'm trying to come up with a catchy title...."
"Got it! O'day and the Orangoutang."
"How come you get top billing? The Monkey and the Maiden?"
"A Girl and her Gorilla?"
Author's notes:
Well, we made it. Four issues, all loose ends wrapped up and (as far as I can tell) we did it without any lame sex jokes.
Imagine that.
Thanks again to my many editors. My son (my best critic), my wife (the most tolerant woman on the planet), my writers group (they are the reason the punctuation is in the right places) and Tim (for letting me get away with this. Man's a saint.)
I have a couple more ideas for Sam and Angel, so let Tim know that talking monkeys and babes with guns are want you want in your fan fiction.